Season 7, Episode 6 - A Little Bit of Fashion

Challenge: Create a fashionable children's look and an accompanying adult piece.

Target: Oh my god I don't remember this guy's name, some other rando gay dude

KORSimile: "She literally looks like she got caught in a tornado of toilet paper... The Conceptual Toilet Paper Twins."   

 I knew this looked familiar! I saw it in theaters in 1988!

Sleepy MK

MK has clearly been bored to death by whoever the useless guest judge is. Ugh, guest judges. Stop pretending you have things to say! No one cares what you think! The contestants are only pretending to be cowed by your greatness so that after they get kicked off this ridiculous show they can try to get a job with you at Macy's (which is, inevitably, where 90% of the guest judges are selling cheap-o collections at the time of airing).

So, actually, the guest judge for this was Tory Burch, whom Heidi introduced as being "very popular with grown women and little girls." Yeah, Tory Burch, the bitch who slaps This Thing:

on a piece of carboard shaped like a shoe and has the audacity to charge a trillion gazillion big ones for it. You show me the little girl that owns a $300 pair of Tory Burch flats, where the only special thing about them is THAT STUPID GIANT PILGRIM-LOOKING BUCKLE THING, and I will show you her socialite mother who has already passed out from her third glass of Pilates Wine and has not noticed that her daughter has peed in the pool once again. That's not "popularity" with little girls. Little girls like pink things and discovering that special feeling you get when you rub up against a table. Tory Burch shit? Not so much.

Season 7, Episode 7 - Hard Wear

Challenge: Create a look using materials from a hardware store.

Target: Jesse's Dress

KORSimile: "Tin Man-Hershey Kiss-Ballerina-Garbage-Newspaper-Vacuum Bag. DIRTY Vacuum Bag! These are fabulous fashion references.”

First of all, Yowza.

Second of all, I really didn't think this was that bad. When she walked down the runway, I remember thinking "That's going to be in the top." That's one of the things that always bugs me about Prunway-- the judges can be really unpredictable sometimes. Some episodes they love the conventional stuff that's just a pretty dress you could probably find at Wet Seal (or Forever 21). Other episodes they dole out the ass licking to the people who make this dumbass conceptual shit that no one, including a down-on-her-luck, starving-but-not-on-purpose model, would wear. Now, I'm pretty certain that MK is bipolar (or at least just tantrum-y), but I really expect more from Nina and Her Holy Titsface, Heidi.

However, when I put together the literal translation of this KORSimile, the result was actually kind of close to the design and I felt bad for calling MK a bipolar toddler.

We're off to see The Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Crack Cocaine!

Third of all, in the course of constructing the above monstrosity, I found that vacuums DO NOT COME WITH BAGS ANYMORE. Seriously, they all have these windtunnels and robot organism and whatnot that just make the dust vanish into thin air (or become what is left over in a bag of Cheerios after all the O's are eaten). That makes me feel old because I definitely remember vacuum bags. This is worse than when they gave Chuckie an Asian little sister on Rugrats.

Season 9, Episode 6 - "The Art of the Matter"

Challenge: Create an avant garde look inspired by a piece of art made by the designer and an art student from Harlem School for the Arts.

Target: Burt's Jumpsuit

KORSimiles: "It looks like something a Teletubby would wear to a party."

Holy shit. So, the judges made fun of this look for what seemed like an hour, and they were all cracking up. Seriously, Kenneth Cole was about to shit himself, he was laughing so hard.

I really liked that MK brought up the Teletubbies. In 8th grade we had to do debates, and we were in groups of three- one girl was pro-issue, one girl was anti-issue, and one gave the background. We were all assigned topics, and my friend Amy and this other girl and I were assigned to debate the merits of Teletubbies. I'm not kidding. I was pro-Teletubby, and I argues that they introduced young children to colors and shapes and the rest of the world was being too harsh on the (admittedly creepy) puppety things (in fact, I listed all the horrible torture that you could do to a Teletubby on a particular website--you could put Tinky Winky in a blender-- and I quoted the Great Jerry Falwell). Amy's argument was that the Teletubbies were totally gay.

That said, I'm not quite sure that Burt's garment would be what a Teletubby would wear to a party. I think the Teletubbies take partying WAY more seriously:

The other things that were said about this garment:

MK: "It looks like [Heidi] is about to have Baby number 5!"

Uh, I'm pretty sure Pregnant Heidi looks better than the rest of the universe when the universe just lost 50 pounds.

Zanna Roberts: "It looks like you ARE baby number 5!"

Kenneth Cole: "You know what you do with infants, you attach their mittens TO them so they don't lose them."

MK: "[the appliqued shapes] were like sponges. It's like, 'Ooh, I'm cleaning the kitchen--BEEP! Ooh, I'm cleaning the floor--BOOP!" (the "beep" and "boop" were supposed to signify the sponges becoming attached. I know what you're thinking-- when sponges spontaneously become attached to me, they don't go "BOOP!". They go "ZAAAAAANGGGG")

Heidi: "It is a little old farty-farty." (I'm going to go ahead an say that the concept of "old fart" doesn't translate that well into and back from German)

Wow. I mean, yeah, this garment was fucking ridiculous and made her ass look like Kirstie Alley's, but I'm thinking the judges may have been super high.

Season 8, Episode 8 - A Rough Day on the Runway (Part 2)

Challenge: Create a sportswear outfit inspired by Jackie O.
Target: Michael D.'s look
KORSimile: "This is schizophrenic Jackie Kennedy. She's an old lady on top, and she's a cheerleading ice skater on bottom...in a mall."
That's quite a list of personalities for Sybil Kennedy there, MK. So intriguing a list, in fact, that alien Audrey Hepburn over there is considering laying her eggs in the marsupial-type pouch that hangs around the crotchal area of Michael D.'s poor model there. If I had a choice, though, I would choose to hang out with the old lady ice-skating cheerleader at the mall rather than do most things. That sounds like a stone-cold hoot.

Now, you have to appreciate this rendering, because it actually took me a ridiculously long time. AND I did it at work. So that counts double.

Season 9, Episode 1 - Come as you Are (Part 2)

Challenge: Create a garment out of your pajamas.

Target: Julie's pants

KORSimile: "It's a little 'I Like Myself' pocket! Like, 'Hiiiii!'"

The best part was the "Hiiii!" which Heidi clearly thought was hilarious.
While Julie's outfit was just kind of bleh, I think MK is onto something-- the I Like Myself Pocket! For pleasuring yourself on the go!

Have you ever found yourself waiting in a long line at the checkout counter? Or sitting in a boring meeting? Whipping it out would alienate others and most likely get you arrested. What can you do?

Introducing-- the I Like Myself Pocket! A somewhat surreptitious outlet for your latent sexual frustrations! Just slip in a hand and let your mind go back to that time that hobo brushed up against you on the bus. Mmmm, mmm.

Pick up the I Like Myself Pocket in stores today! Now in children's sizes!!

What do YOU think this looks like? Post a comment with your OWN KORSimile!

Season 9, Episode 1 - Come as you Are

Challenge: Create a garment out of your pajamas.

Target: Rafael's look using his pjs and his headscarf

KORSimile: "It's like she's wearing a Flinstones disco patch...Like she went out and had a little too much to eat and had to unbutton her shirt."

MICHAEL KORS. ENOUGH WITH THE DISCO. WE GET IT. DISCO THINGS ARE BAD AND ARE NOT FASHION. OK!

On another note, what the hell is a "disco patch"? Is that something like an Afro Pik that you only understand if you've used one? From the looks of it, a Flinstones Disco Patch is something you wear to a prehistoric 70's party (a 70's prehistoric party?) when you don't want Andy Warhol's spittle to land in your cleavage? Or maybe it's an emblem of all of the hairy brutes you slept with at Studio 54-- something you should be proud of, like a nasty Girl Scout badge.

That aside, can someone say "camel toe"?

"Camel Toe." There, I said it.

Bonus Heidi: "What grown-up wants to wear a bib?"

Oh, I can think of one...

What do YOU think this looks like? Post a comment with your OWN KORSimile!