Season 7, Episode 6 - A Little Bit of Fashion

Challenge: Create a fashionable children's look and an accompanying adult piece.

Target: Oh my god I don't remember this guy's name, some other rando gay dude

KORSimile: "She literally looks like she got caught in a tornado of toilet paper... The Conceptual Toilet Paper Twins."   

 I knew this looked familiar! I saw it in theaters in 1988!

Sleepy MK

MK has clearly been bored to death by whoever the useless guest judge is. Ugh, guest judges. Stop pretending you have things to say! No one cares what you think! The contestants are only pretending to be cowed by your greatness so that after they get kicked off this ridiculous show they can try to get a job with you at Macy's (which is, inevitably, where 90% of the guest judges are selling cheap-o collections at the time of airing).

So, actually, the guest judge for this was Tory Burch, whom Heidi introduced as being "very popular with grown women and little girls." Yeah, Tory Burch, the bitch who slaps This Thing:

on a piece of carboard shaped like a shoe and has the audacity to charge a trillion gazillion big ones for it. You show me the little girl that owns a $300 pair of Tory Burch flats, where the only special thing about them is THAT STUPID GIANT PILGRIM-LOOKING BUCKLE THING, and I will show you her socialite mother who has already passed out from her third glass of Pilates Wine and has not noticed that her daughter has peed in the pool once again. That's not "popularity" with little girls. Little girls like pink things and discovering that special feeling you get when you rub up against a table. Tory Burch shit? Not so much.

Season 7, Episode 7 - Hard Wear

Challenge: Create a look using materials from a hardware store.

Target: Jesse's Dress

KORSimile: "Tin Man-Hershey Kiss-Ballerina-Garbage-Newspaper-Vacuum Bag. DIRTY Vacuum Bag! These are fabulous fashion references.”

First of all, Yowza.

Second of all, I really didn't think this was that bad. When she walked down the runway, I remember thinking "That's going to be in the top." That's one of the things that always bugs me about Prunway-- the judges can be really unpredictable sometimes. Some episodes they love the conventional stuff that's just a pretty dress you could probably find at Wet Seal (or Forever 21). Other episodes they dole out the ass licking to the people who make this dumbass conceptual shit that no one, including a down-on-her-luck, starving-but-not-on-purpose model, would wear. Now, I'm pretty certain that MK is bipolar (or at least just tantrum-y), but I really expect more from Nina and Her Holy Titsface, Heidi.

However, when I put together the literal translation of this KORSimile, the result was actually kind of close to the design and I felt bad for calling MK a bipolar toddler.

We're off to see The Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Crack Cocaine!

Third of all, in the course of constructing the above monstrosity, I found that vacuums DO NOT COME WITH BAGS ANYMORE. Seriously, they all have these windtunnels and robot organism and whatnot that just make the dust vanish into thin air (or become what is left over in a bag of Cheerios after all the O's are eaten). That makes me feel old because I definitely remember vacuum bags. This is worse than when they gave Chuckie an Asian little sister on Rugrats.

Season 7, Episode 3 - The Hi's and Lows of Fashion

Challenge: Work in teams of two to create a high-end signature look worthy of a Master's Collection, and a second look that is a more affordable design inspired by another team's signature look.

Target: Anthony and Seth Aaron's Signature Gown

KORSimile: "It looks like I'm at the cotillion party in the South from Hell."

Whoa whoa whoa, MK. First of all, Cotillion gowns are WHITE. That's the whole POINT of Cotillion, that you are preparing yourself to be a bride. I went to a Debutante Ball for my best friend, and it was...weird.

And in Anthony's defense, he is from the South. Also, he's a gay black man who wears bell bottoms and LIVES in the South, so I'm pretty sure that he both knows Cotillions AND what hell must feel like very, very well.

Also, let's think about this conception of hell. As bad as that dress might be, I doubt that MK's hell will involve gowns of any sort. In fact, I'm pretty sure I can picture what hell would be for Michael Kors:

MK's transformation into The Thing from the Fantastic Four is 25% complete in this picture



Season 8, Episode 4 - Design your Heart Out

Challenge: Create a dress for the Campbell's Soup "Address your Heart" campaign for women whose lives have been impacted by heart disease.

Target: This Guy's dress (who the fuck is this guy?)

KORSimile: "It's like you took a list of everything that's tacky and put it in one dress."

 What? I don't see people asking how much money a stranger makes in this dress. I don't see any 'dead baby' jokes in this dress, or people tagging pictures of themselves kissing their significant others on Facebook. This dress is far more subdued than half the people I know would have made it (can you say "boobie cut-outs"? Because that's what I'm thinkin').

Clearly MK has not spent enough time in Ocean City to be really familiar with tacky.



Ooh gurl, you been workin' out??





Season 9, Episode 6 - The Art of the Matter (Part 3)

Challenge: It's the art one! I've already talked about it twice. GOD

Target: Oliver's Dress

KORSimile: "His clothes are valium clothes-- they make you want to fall asleep."

Hmm. Usually boring clothes don't come with a See-You-Next-Tuesday-high slit, but MK has been in the fashion world far longer than I. Thus, I shall defer to His Froofiness.

Anyway, this might be yet another thing I feel like I should have heard of before-- "Valium Clothes." Now, are these types of garments more literal-



"And I'll have a grande 'I'm a total slut who wears idiotic t-shirts with sayings nobody ever said on them' macchiato. You know, make it a Venti."

Or are we talking about clothes that have the effects of valium on you? I have a feeling it might the latter since MK is so bored to tears with Oliver's dress. So maybe it's more like this product: 

 which you put on your dog and it vibrates to calm your dog's doggy neuroses. I hope it's like that, because the idea of this "ThunderShirt" makes me want to laugh at and cry for this poor dog all at the same time. I mean, what kind of stress are you putting your dog under that he needs this massage-y shirt in order to not piss on the floor at all hours of the day? Is your dog studying for the LSATs or something? Does your dog have a big presentation at the office coming up and if he doesn't knock it out the park Mr. Terwilliger will demote him to Mailroom Dog? Is your dog being sued because that cunt cat next door found out about the prostitution ring and is blackmailing him by threatening to go to the press with the information if he doesn't provide an unmarked bag of kibbles under a specified tree at 3am on Saturday? Because those are the only reasons I can think of that someone would need this insane thing.



Season 9, Episode 5 - Off the Track

Challenge: In a team, create three looks to go with Heidi's line of New Balance Sneakers (which is ridiculous in its own right, but we'll get to that some other day)

Target: Danielle's shirty-blouse thingum

KORSimile: "It's like a souffle that flopped."

When he first said that, I was like "Uh, what?" I really wanted him to go on more of a flaccid penis route so I was monumentally disappointed when he didn't point at his crotch as he is so prone to do on this show. But then I looked up a picture of a flopped souffle (or, actually, a fallen souffle because anyone who has watched as much Food Network as I have knows that souffles don't do what suffocating fish do)...

And look at that! Especially the part at the top where the edge of the souffle looks like the little floppy foldy thing on the blouse! Now this souffle thing just has to be green and we would have ourselves an out-and-out doppelganger.

More importantly, though, is that this KORSimile got me thinking about the boat that Bravo missed out on when it lost Prunway to Lifetime. It could have made a crossover between its two best shows that have occupied more time than I anticipate spending on raising my children in the future-- Prunway and Top Chef!

Obviously the judges would be Tom and Tim because they're the best ones.

Missed the boat, Bravo. Missed. The. Boat.

Season 9, Episode 6 - The Art of the Matter (Part 2)

Challenge: Create a look inspired by a piece of art created in collaboration with a student from the Harlem School for the Arts.

Target: Josh C.'s Thing that Makes this Model Look Even Worse

KORSimile: "She looks like a Victorian cocktail waitress in Vegas!"

For once, I'm not going to analyze the KORSimile. Instead, I'm going to talk about the Bonus Heidi.

Bonus Heidi: "The first thing I thought was, 'I'm gonna be a hooker for Halloween!"

Yeah, Heidi. YOU AND THE REST OF THE FUCKING FEMALES IN THE UNIVERSE.

Trick or Treat! I'll give you a hint-- the treat is crabs!

On that note, I have figured out what I'm going as for Halloween:

Come search in my caves, baby.

Season 9, Episode 4 - All About Nina

Challenge: Create a day-to-night look for Nina Garcia
Target: Danielle's blouse and pants
KORSimile: "This green blouse...you'd have to wear it to Joan Crawford's St. Patty's Day party."

So did you know that Joan Crawford and Joan Collins are NOT, in fact, the same person? Because that's news to me. If my mom were reading this she would be all "oh you're so young! I'm so old! I'm a terrible mother!" and I'd be all "MOM. ENOUGH. Now make me more chili."

Anyway, this shit is boring. No, it's worse than boring-- it looks like something you could easily find at *vomits* TALBOT'S. Ask Anita how much I hate Talbot's and she'll tell you that I have to look away whenever we pass it in the mall because their brand of un-trendy, bland kindergarten teacher clothes makes me sick to my stomach. And that's what this looks like! Can't you just imagine this girl saying "Good morning, children! My name is Miss Anne and I forgo sex in favor of making lesson plans for a bunch of nose-picking assholes!" (If it wasn't obvious, I also hate children).

What I do NOT see is this girl at a party, let alone Joan Crawford's St. Patty's Day party, which I would assume would be a stone cold hoot complete with cocktails, heavily penciled eyebrows, and abuse.

"No more wire hangers ever! Also, TIME FOR JAEGERBOMBSSSSS"

Now, with that out of the way, it's time for what seems to be an increasingly common topic of these posts: Transvestites that are somewhat related to the KORSimile! In this case, it's a lovely tranny Joan Crawford in a striking emerald gown, the kind appropriate for a super gay St. Patty's Day party.

Cheers, Boy-o!

Season 4, Episode 5 - What's the Skinny

Challenge: Create a garment for a woman who has recently lost a significant amount of weight out of her favorite fat clothes.

Target: Chris March's Dress

KORSimile: "All she's missing to me is a cigarette and a beret in Paris in 1957, and it's a little Shirley MacLaine when she played a hooker with a heart of gold."

Man oh man, if anyone should do well with fat clothes, it would be Chris March.

Ok, that was really mean and I know that, but two things:

1. I'm a bitch

2. Jay McCarrol, the winner of Season 1, was also a fatty fat fat and he lost a shit-ton of weight on Celebrity Fit Camp and now looks awesome and I love him, so HINT, CHRIS MARCH.

Anyway, I'm conflicted about this KORSimile. On the one hand, MK is totally right. This outfit could definitely fly in a community theatre production of Sweet Charity.
On the other hand, I think we need to stop conceptualizing hookers as having "hearts of gold." I'm sure there are probably hookers out there who are nice people and all, but at the end of the day, they still have sex with strangers for money. For example, these young ladies here don't seem particularly gilded.

They would like you to try their asian salad, though.

This episode is also where I started to suspect that Heidi is, in fact, a FemmeBot.

Season 9, Episode 6 - "The Art of the Matter"

Challenge: Create an avant garde look inspired by a piece of art made by the designer and an art student from Harlem School for the Arts.

Target: Burt's Jumpsuit

KORSimiles: "It looks like something a Teletubby would wear to a party."

Holy shit. So, the judges made fun of this look for what seemed like an hour, and they were all cracking up. Seriously, Kenneth Cole was about to shit himself, he was laughing so hard.

I really liked that MK brought up the Teletubbies. In 8th grade we had to do debates, and we were in groups of three- one girl was pro-issue, one girl was anti-issue, and one gave the background. We were all assigned topics, and my friend Amy and this other girl and I were assigned to debate the merits of Teletubbies. I'm not kidding. I was pro-Teletubby, and I argues that they introduced young children to colors and shapes and the rest of the world was being too harsh on the (admittedly creepy) puppety things (in fact, I listed all the horrible torture that you could do to a Teletubby on a particular website--you could put Tinky Winky in a blender-- and I quoted the Great Jerry Falwell). Amy's argument was that the Teletubbies were totally gay.

That said, I'm not quite sure that Burt's garment would be what a Teletubby would wear to a party. I think the Teletubbies take partying WAY more seriously:

The other things that were said about this garment:

MK: "It looks like [Heidi] is about to have Baby number 5!"

Uh, I'm pretty sure Pregnant Heidi looks better than the rest of the universe when the universe just lost 50 pounds.

Zanna Roberts: "It looks like you ARE baby number 5!"

Kenneth Cole: "You know what you do with infants, you attach their mittens TO them so they don't lose them."

MK: "[the appliqued shapes] were like sponges. It's like, 'Ooh, I'm cleaning the kitchen--BEEP! Ooh, I'm cleaning the floor--BOOP!" (the "beep" and "boop" were supposed to signify the sponges becoming attached. I know what you're thinking-- when sponges spontaneously become attached to me, they don't go "BOOP!". They go "ZAAAAAANGGGG")

Heidi: "It is a little old farty-farty." (I'm going to go ahead an say that the concept of "old fart" doesn't translate that well into and back from German)

Wow. I mean, yeah, this garment was fucking ridiculous and made her ass look like Kirstie Alley's, but I'm thinking the judges may have been super high.